Topic of the Month

Healthy marriages

"Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends."
- Harville Hendrix

The couple relationship is the foundation of the family. We believe that every couple desires a deep, caring relationship that lasts a lifetime. Life is demanding, and relationships can be so complicated that sustaining a healthy marriage is challenging. Some of the deepest growth can come through times of difficulty if couples find ways to work together instead of against each other.

Developing and nurturing a caring couple relationship is a lifelong adventure. Healthy marriages are based on trust, respect, and shared values. Even with a strong foundation of these three things, couples can struggle if they don't have the skills to communicate, to manage conflict, and to enjoy time together.

The biggest indicators of whether a marriage will last over time are how the couple talks to each other and how they solve problems together. Respectful communication can pave the road to negotiate differences. The specific differences don't matter as much as the pattern of solving problems. Any couple can learn skills to communicate more effectively and to negotiate differences.

Communication Skills to practice

• Listen respectfully, focusing on the other person's perspective.
• Acknowledge the other person's point of view, even if you don't agree.
• Be brief. Identify the top two or three points. Make each point in two sentences or less.
• Talk about yourself. "I am concerned about...; When this happens, I feel...; I don't understand..." These "I statements don't put your partner on the defensive like, "You make me so mad! You don't think through things. You...".
• Avoid words like 'always' and 'never'. These are inflammatory. "You never take out the trash" will lead to a discussion about the last three times your partner took out the trash.

Relationship Building Skills

• Assume your partner has the best intentions, not the worst.
• Remember you love each other.
• Give compliments for what the other person does right. Notice even the little things.
• Encouragement and praise are the best ways to support positive change. Nagging and criticism will not produce positive results.
• Laugh together.
• Spend fun time together so that the demands of life don't erode your enjoyment of each other.

For more individualized help for your marriage, contact Youthville Family Consultation Service.

Charlie Brown kicks a football while saying, "my Grampa and Gramma have been married for 50 years..." To which his playmate replies "They're lucky, aren't they?" Charlie says, "Grampa says it isn't luck... it's skill."
Classic Peanuts - 9/26/01